Posted October 1, 2012 by Amy in Features

The Console Conspiracy


It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya…..a conspiracy!

Good evening, folks. I’m here tonight to talk to you about a silent menace that is slowly overtaking our living rooms, sucking the meaning from our lives and the cash from our pockets. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now what I’m referring to….no? Consoles, of course.

Let me ask you something. What other product can effectively lock your content, no matter how much you pay for it? If you buy a bluray disc, you expect that it will play on any bluray player on the market. If you pay for cable, it darn well better work with your new tv….even if it’s a Vizio. And yet….this simple and unassuming truth is not true for video games. Why?!?

What’s that you say? You got that totally hyped up new sports game, and it’s so awesome, and you just can’t wait to play it with all your friends………only you just found out that they bought the Xbox360 version, while you shelled out for PS3. Sucks to be you, my friend. Looks like there won’t be any late night buddy sessions for you.

Oh, you don’t play online? Then that won’t be a problem for you……Didn’t you say you were  really stoked for that newly announced sequel that’s releasing soon? No problem, dear. You just run right out and preorder it for your favorite cons….oh, wait. It’s a console exclusive. You have to go out and buy a completely new console or you will never, ever, get to play. *tears* In fact, you need all the consoles, if you want to be able to play what you want, when you want it.

And that brings me to the conspiracy, my friends. After all, could one company really sustain this sort of thing all on its own? After all, if anyone made a machine that could play any video games, we would all totally buy it. Our living rooms would no longer look like a hastily planned electronics orgy, and our wallets would no longer look like the inside of a politician’s heart. Happiness would reign, and the problems of the world would fade to dust. Why do you hate the world, NintenSonySoft?

But that ain’t going to happen. Even though it is a generally established truth that console makers tend to lose money on the machines hoping to make that up in spades with the software. Why, the idea of a single console world – or even many options for universal consoles to choose from – should make The Big Three dance upon their grandmother’s graves with glee about not having to lose all that money and time pumping out unnecessary updates and marginally improved devices. So why don’t they?

No, seriously – why? Is it some sort of mind control thing? Maybe part of some yet-to-be released plot for world domination? Perhaps they don’t like to share? I don’t know, friends. I. Don’t. Know. But one thing’s for sure……..I’m going to have to go out and buy a dang Wii U or I’m never, ever, going to get to play that game.




U.S. Senior Editor & Deputy EIC, @averyzoe on Twitter, mother of 5, gamer, reader, wife to @macanthony, and all-around bad-ass (no, not really)